Jaws kept scores of people out of the water, Psycho kept people from showering, and Gremlins kept me from eating after midnight. All of these movies had profound effects on audiences after release (well at least the first two did). Listed below you will find the top 5 movies that will make you never want kids.
The glowing eyes say it all. This old school classic about a small town whose inhabitants all mysteriously black out one day and awaken to find all the women pregnant is creepy still to this day. The child actors are superb and the story was well ahead of it's time. The John Carpenter remake does not hold a candle to the original so just stick with this 60's classic.
Clint Eastwood's greatest directorial effort is also a great contraceptive. The story of three friends that experience a childhood tragedy and a similar tragedy in adulthood is simply heartbreaking. The sheer hurt of the attack on the young Tim Robbin's character at the beginning and how it affects his adulthood as well as the hurt of Sean Penn's character due to his daughter's death makes you almost second guess raising a kid in today's society.
There is really no way to break down or explain the proceedings of this one. Many theories exist of what it all means and you just have to take out of it what you can. The fact remains though that director David Lynch brings one hell of a mind trip with this one and most likely the most disturbing infant ever brought to the screen. After seeing this gem of a movie it puts a whole new spin on becoming a parent and getting your newborn to sleep thorough the night. A must see for all just to say that you've experienced it!
2. Kids (1995)
My buddy and I rented this classic at the local video store when we were growing up by putting the VHS tape into a PG rated video case and somehow slipped it by the clerk. WTF were we thinking. I was an unruly teen growing up but the characters in this movie put me and a lot of others to shame. This groundbreaking movie served not only as a wake up call to parents but also as a foundation for the independent film market and all of the groundbreaking works that followed. Just a warning that the content in this one is rough and brutal but a classic example of putting it all on the line filmmaking.
And the #1 movie that will make you never want kids is:
Is there anyone out there that would want to raise the anti-christ as their own? Richard Donner knocked it out of the park with this horrific tale that will still make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. A few things to take from this one are:
1. Never name your kid Damien.
2. If your kid's nanny hangs herself at your kid's birthday party there might be an issue.
3. If you find the numbers 666 on your child it might not be a good sign.
4. If someone is beheaded when trying to investigate the goings on surrounding your kid you might want to head out of town.
5. Don't try and kill the anti-christ yourself. It's not going to work out for you.
6. It's probably best to just avoid the whole having kids thing altogether just to be on the safe side.
In closing, if you avoid the movies listed above you should have no problem having a whole litter of children and raising them to be respectable members of society. Just a little public service advice from your weekly Cinemit contributor. Although, I somehow have seen all of the above and I have two wonderful sons. So maybe it can work out in the end. Let me know what I missed, and the ones that you all would choose. Also, anyone in Atlanta don't forget about the Cinemit screening of Iron Sky on August 8th. If you haven't gotten your tickets already do so here. You can't beat the combination of Udo Kier and space Nazi's.
Brad Slaton aka Night Of The Ranting Brad is a Cinemit contributor and member. Brad also writes for best-horror-movies.com and runs The Picking Brains Podcast. Like on Facebook